Monologue Jokes -- Week of January 2, 2017

Apple announced this week that they and CEO Tim Cook have agreed to a cut in pay...

- Tim Cook is quoted as saying, I just clicked “agree” without actually reading the document. 

 

On Friday, Donald Trump went on a Twitter rant about how the new Celebrity Apprentice’s ratings are nowhere near as good as when he was the host...

- So if you thought the Presidency was going to change Trump, you were tragically mistaken. 

 

At one point in the Twitter rant, Trump refers to himself as “The Ratings Machine, DJT”...

- Which is a slightly better wrestling name than his previous one, “Money Boo-Boo”

 

A newly declassified report on Russian hacking says the Russian government developed a "clear preference for President-elect Donald Trump."

- In response, Arnold Swarzenager replied, “There’s only been one episode!” 

 

A woman is suing Chipotle for 2 billion dollars, claiming they used an image of her eating at the restaurant in promotional ads without her consent...

- The tabloids are already calling it the ques-o-the-century. 

 

On Friday, North Korea celebrated their president, Kim Jung Un’s birthday...

- He’s said to be either 34 or 35, but he doesn’t look a day over toddler. 

 

It was reported on Tuesday that the world’s oldest known killer whale had died...

- But I just got confirmation that Chris Christie is doing just fine. 

 

A 105 year old French cyclist set a world record on Wednesday when he rode his bike an impressive 16.5 miles in one hour...

- Also on Wednesday, I - a 29 year old - at an impressive amount of French Toast and got winded walking up a flight of 16 stairs.