Monologue Jokes -- Week of January 9th, 2017

At the Golden Globes on Sunday, the hit musical La La Land won a staggering 7 awards, including best picture...

- La La Land is, of course, the heartbreaking story of a young man with a stutter attempting to say the word Land. 

 

Thursday marked the first day in two years that there were no recorded murders in El Salvador....

- Unfortunately, this was due to the murder of the man in charge of keeping up with that sort of thing. 

 

According to a new consumer report, Comcast remains America's most hated company...

- To celebrate the honor, Comcast decided to sacrifice the blood of an innocent. 

- We asked Comcast to comment on the report, but they put us on hold indefinitely. 

 

This week, in an attempt to turn the tides, Yahoo has decided to rebrand itself with a new name - Altaba...

- As in, Alta-bet this doesn't make a bit of a difference. 

 

A new report shows that Millennials earn an average of 20% less than Baby Boomers did at the same stage in life...

- That's right, Millennials can't even afford a bootstrap to pull themselves up by.