Monologue Jokes -- Week of January 9th, 2017

At the Golden Globes on Sunday, the hit musical La La Land won a staggering 7 awards, including best picture...

- La La Land is, of course, the heartbreaking story of a young man with a stutter attempting to say the word Land. 

Thursday marked the first day in two years that there were no recorded murders in El Salvador....

- Unfortunately, this was due to the murder of the man in charge of keeping up with that sort of thing. 

According to a new consumer report, Comcast remains America's most hated company...

- To celebrate the honor, Comcast decided to sacrifice the blood of an innocent. 

- We asked Comcast to comment on the report, but they put us on hold indefinitely. 

This week, in an attempt to turn the tides, Yahoo has decided to rebrand itself with a new name - Altaba...

- As in, Alta-bet this doesn't make a bit of a difference. 

A new report shows that Millennials earn an average of 20% less than Baby Boomers did at the same stage in life...

- That's right, Millennials can't even afford a bootstrap to pull themselves up by. 

Monologue Jokes -- Week of January 2, 2017

Apple announced this week that they and CEO Tim Cook have agreed to a cut in pay...

- Tim Cook is quoted as saying, I just clicked “agree” without actually reading the document. 

On Friday, Donald Trump went on a Twitter rant about how the new Celebrity Apprentice’s ratings are nowhere near as good as when he was the host...

- So if you thought the Presidency was going to change Trump, you were tragically mistaken. 

At one point in the Twitter rant, Trump refers to himself as “The Ratings Machine, DJT”...

- Which is a slightly better wrestling name than his previous one, “Money Boo-Boo”

A newly declassified report on Russian hacking says the Russian government developed a "clear preference for President-elect Donald Trump."

- In response, Arnold Swarzenager replied, “There’s only been one episode!” 

A woman is suing Chipotle for 2 billion dollars, claiming they used an image of her eating at the restaurant in promotional ads without her consent...

- The tabloids are already calling it the ques-o-the-century. 

On Friday, North Korea celebrated their president, Kim Jung Un’s birthday...

- He’s said to be either 34 or 35, but he doesn’t look a day over toddler. 

It was reported on Tuesday that the world’s oldest known killer whale had died...

- But I just got confirmation that Chris Christie is doing just fine. 

A 105 year old French cyclist set a world record on Wednesday when he rode his bike an impressive 16.5 miles in one hour...

- Also on Wednesday, I - a 29 year old - at an impressive amount of French Toast and got winded walking up a flight of 16 stairs.